A reflection by Maureen Russell

Today I met with a wonderful group of Health Care Assistant students from Capilano University. In preparation for the time together they sent me a list of questions, and I in turn considered the questions and what I might share. I shared with them a reflection written by Maureen Russell, a psychosocial care provider who lives and works in southern Ontario.
This reflection was inspired by a man whose experience with a Personal Support Worker helped him to trust, to open up, and prepared him to eventually be able to meet with Maureen in the last weeks of his life. Maureen was adamant, that without the work of the PSW the man never would have been able to open up with her and address some of the deeper issues that he carried.

Reflection—Undressed 

You entered, and my heart sank. Today would be the first day I would allow a stranger to bathe my broken body. 

How could I have come to this…this moment of unwanted dependency? 

I cringe with despair. A tear dares to sneak its way from beneath the mask of courage I so sheepishly hide behind. 

Who are you, Stranger? Who are you they send to enter my intimate space? 

Do you know ME? Do you know who I am? 

How do I let go into your hands, that which has only been felt by the gentleness of my mother’s touch oh so long ago? 

I shudder as you draw near. My decrepit body tenses and my stomach churns. I close my eyes and turn away, anticipating your cold and callous touch. 

I wait…I wait… 

Till broken is the air by your slow and soft voice…“This must be difficult for you. How can we best do this together?” 

How     can       we       best     do        this            together?  you asked…. 

Breath releases, body relaxes and my facade of courage slips.  Tears flow. I let go. And the waltz begins… 

In the weeks and months to come, we danced every day as you cleaned and cared for my declining body with the utmost respect and compassion. 

Within this place of “the intimate” that I so desperately feared had morphed a space of trust. I felt safe to wonder aloud with you…“How will I die?” “Have I mattered?” “How will I be remembered?” “What is the purpose of it all?”  

You quietly listened without judgement or a need to fix…For that, I thank you.  

And then, you offered me another partner, a counsellor, who could take these new steps and dance the dance of purpose and meaning with me. And because of you, I could accept her help.

I could let go of my masks and facades and bare my true self on my last waltz. 

Little did I know when you entered that being undressed would allow me to be naked.  

Deep gratitude to YOU who cared for my body and gave space for my spirit.   

Contributed by Maureen Russell 

Thank you Maureen for sharing this wonderful reflection with us!

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